True Worth

A few months ago, I was having a chat with an old friend about growing up as we compared notes on secondary school days. She then told me about the bullying she endured while she was in school. It was mostly from two twin sisters who just happened to dislike her for no apparent reason. They would tease her, call her names and sometimes say mean things to her. Then I remembered I experienced almost the same thing too. But I did not actually see those caustic comments as bullying. Then it dawned on me that I never really understood the concept of bullying then. I used to think it was when you were beaten or brutalized that you were actually bullied. It didn't occur to me that verbal aggression and intimidation also constituted bullying.

Back then, I got mocked about how I could be used as a rope (as a teenager, I was tall and really skinny). Sometimes, the comments and remarks hurt; other times, I laughed them off and moved on. If, like me, you attended a public secondary school, you would remember that the best way to handle those situations was to just laugh and not take them seriously. Otherwise, they would never stop and they would always come back stronger and meaner. So, in that spirit, I always took snide remarks about my body to be teases. After all, these were supposed to be my friends. So maybe they really did not mean those comments - I always told myself.

I still am not sure how much of those "teases" stayed with me till I became a full adult but I would look back at those times and I would remember how I used to wish then that I was built physically in a different way. If someone had told me then that I was being bullied, I would have argued that I was not. I was not very confident with how I looked but I did not make the connection about how I felt with the jibes from some of my "friends" in class.

A big part of being bullied is that the effects never truly go away. Even till adulthood, some people struggle to see their own worth. So this friend of mine still holds deep grudges with the pupils that bullied her back in school. She told me the bullying affected her a great deal and formed a big part of how she saw herself. Accepting herself was a very long, arduous journey. She still has flashes of those cruel verbal jabs and unkind teases. She has outgrown most of it right now but the scars left behind are likely going to take forever to heal from.

Unfortunately, not only children experience this. Even adults get bullied. In higher institutions and even work places, people get bullied all the time. It may even be worse for grown ups because the society expects them to be tough and as such they may not even get any sympathy from those around witnessing the bullying.

Sadly, the victims of bullying are not the only victims of bullying. Bullying oftentimes always leaves its marks on bullies themselves. According to studies, bullies are likely to engage in delinquent behaviors that include vandalism, violence inside and outside of school and likely substance abuse. Most bullies are either (in their minds) paying back the society for the bullying they suffered or they are trying to make up for the many years of rejection. That is why they are usually ultra aggressive or most willing to do anything just to be accepted. In some cases however, they are simply mirroring what they grew up knowing. But in all, they are usually a reflection of the home they were raised in.

So, like my friend, if you have suffered (or still suffering) from bullies, you should know that your true worth is not what someone else thinks about you. When you succumb to how bullying makes you feel, what you are doing to yourself is that you are letting how you think you are ranked (socially) compared to others heavily influence how you feel about yourself. In other words, your self-esteem is derived from what you think others “think” of you.

In most cases, people never get to see what you're worth till they get to know you and this is where you have the advantage. You should never base your feelings on how other people perceive you. Rather, let others see you the way you see yourself. For this to happen however, you need to first understand, love and accept yourself. Only then will others be able to understand, love and accept you. Nothing should happen to you that you have not first permitted in your mind.

This level of state of mind comes with having unshakable faith in yourself and in your ability to follow through and get things done. Having a high degree of self-worth means feeling worthy and deserving of the good things of life even in the face of any difficulties you may be facing, the disappointments you are experiencing, or of people’s opinions.

To have a high level of self-worth means accepting yourself wholeheartedly at all times despite your flaws, weaknesses, and limitations. It is about recognizing the real value of who you are — right here, right now, at this present moment.

And like a former US First Lady, Eleanor Roosevelt succinctly puts it, “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”